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spreads. Are you going to move over? Can I get in or should I just take the couch?
Damon blinked matter-of-factly. I could take the couch.
But you don t have to.
50 Mya
You don t really want to share a bed with a man who you don t want touching you
though. Pushing the covers down, Damon refused to let Yuki off so easily. Sitting up, he
moved his legs over the side of the bed. He didn t need to risk the allure of cocoa butter and a
warm body to cuddle with. They needed to talk, not snuggle down underneath the covers.
Yuki chewed his lip. Damon, you know I didn t mean any of that, don t you? It was
the introvert in me trying stubbornly to hang on. I m sorry.
Too easy and not enough, Damon thought silently. Yuki sat down next to him on the
bed, and as stern as he felt, Damon could not bring himself to get up.
I didn t see you at dinner, Yuki muttered. Did you eat?
I ordered room service. Cod stuffed with crab meat and a vegetable medley or some
crap like that.
Was it any good?
It was okay.
I had lobster. Alone. Some guy tried to hit on me, but I blew him off.
Damon looked at Yuki, trying to figure out how they had arrived at casual conversation
so easily. The fingers of his hand flexed as he suppressed the urge to touch Yuki, to pull his
lover into his arms and assure him that things were fine. Then Damon recalled that Yuki was
a black belt and didn t necessarily need coddling. Alone? Really? I don t feel so bad then.
Yuki sighed exasperatedly. Damon, this is supposed to be a vacation for the both of
us.
No. It s supposed to be an opportunity for us to get to know one another better, but I
guess that s not going to happen. You can t really get to know someone if they keep
pretending that there s nothing wrong.
Yuki laughed nervously. Damon, really, I don t want you to think that what we have
is in some way influenced by something traumatic in my past. I have always liked things a
Rushing Towards Perfection 51
bit wild. If you don t like the spanking and the toys bother you, then we don t have to do any
of --
I don t have a problem with the toys or the spanking or any of that, Yukihara!
Attempting to rise up from the bed, Damon was thwarted by Yuki s hand on his shoulder.
Damon wasn t the type to react defensively but he didn t know what Yuki would do. Glaring
at Yuki, he stated, What s done between consenting adults is one thing. You keep telling me
that you trust me when it s obvious that you don t.
But I do, Yuki insisted. More than you know, Damon. It was just something stupid
that I did. It s not even worth mentioning. What you and I have is what s important.
Exactly, Damon agreed. You can have the bed.
Yuki used both arms to keep Damon from leaving the bed. No, please. Come on,
please, Damon.
Held against the warm chest of his lover, Damon sounded upon the edge of defeat. I m
listening.
You re really going to make me talk about it?
Damon thought of a better way to put it. And I m really going to listen, he said.
Yuki clung to Damon. The first time I wanted to be on the bottom wasn t good, but it
wasn t bad either, Yuki began, his face against the back of Damon s shoulder. The second
time was okay. The third was fine.
And the fourth? Damon suspected that therein laid the problem.
Breathing against Damon s back, Yuki s voice was filled with sorrow. It wasn t so
good.
Tense, Damon knew that it was going to be bad. He could tell from the uneven timbre
of Yuki s voice. Tell me, Yuki. Tell me who hurt you. Trying to turn around, Damon was
seized with the desire to see his lover s face.
52 Mya
Yuki tightened his grip, preventing Damon from moving. He didn t hurt me. I let
down my guard. I trusted an asshole and paid the price for it. It was my fault.
What? Damon pulled at Yuki s clasped hands. He could feel moisture against his back
and needed to see Yuki, to hold him and verify that he didn t truly believe such foolishness.
No. It wasn t your fault, Yuki! Whatever it was, it wasn t your fault.
You re wrong, Damon. It was my fault. You& Voice cracking in his urgency to
explain, Yuki continued. You don t understand. You don t know. My father always told me
that it was only fools who gambled with their lives and their money. I gambled with my life,
and nearly lost. That makes me a fool.
You gambled with me.
I didn t let you tie me up the first time we had sex, Yuki said bluntly. I wasn t
looking for someone to dominate me when I met you. I wasn t stupid and naïve and --
Damon pulled Yuki s arms from around him and turned around. Yuki s eyes were red
and glossy and he saw a look on Yuki s face he had never seen before: fear. I don t care what
you did, Yuki. It still wasn t your fault. I know you can t believe that. Pulling Yuki into his
arms, it was Damon s turn to hold on.
Yuki struggled, but it was a weak attempt. I let him tie me up. I allowed him to beat
me, to take advantage of me. I dropped my guard down around someone who had no respect
for me or even the art.
You told me that you were never raped.
Yuki answered dryly, Victims are raped; idiots are taken advantage of.
Damon felt sick. His stomach churned at the unconceivable crime against his lover. I
don t understand. How can you even think that you had anything to do with causing
something like that?
Because I went there for it, Damon. I sought out Christopher for that purpose. So
what? Things got out of control. He wasn t a top. He was a sadist, and it was my fault for
Rushing Towards Perfection 53
being too careless to see that. Anyway, I learned my lesson. The Japanese are not ones to
wallow in blame and self-pity. It was my fault.
Damon had his own preconceived notions about Japanese people, but none of them
mattered. Yuki wasn t Japanese in his eyes; he was his lover. The thought of Yuki being
denied his sorrow was harrowing. I m sorry but still, it s not your --
Interrupting, Yuki was quick to deny pity. Oh, no! Don t feel sorry for me. Feel sorry
for him. The instant I got loose, I broke his leg, his arm and his nose. And I suspect he ll have
to wear full dentures.
Wishing he had met the animal that hurt Yuki with a baseball bat in hand, Damon
sneered. It s what the bastard deserved. I would have killed him for that shit.
Swallowing hard, Yuki admitted that he had tried.
Did you ever tell anyone? Talk to anyone about it?
I didn t have to. After that, I went back to being in control. I was best at it anyway. I
always showed respect to my lovers. I never showed pity, but I made it an experience, an art.
The finest geishas in Kyoto couldn t have done better. I gave them the experiences that I
would have liked to have myself. Allowing someone to have me and give me that experience
was like a secret I had to keep ignoring until I met you.
Me?
Damon, I don t want you to think I m stupid. I know what trauma can do, and I am
not ignoring what happened. I m working my way through it, and it is working. No therapist
is going to help me more than moving forward& and you.
Damon didn t want to ask what was so special about him. And now that you ve met
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